I like to live on my own terms. It wasn't until today that I realised how I wasn't making decisions on my own. For the past 5 years, I was involved with a person who seemed to be one of a kind. Who I thought made me complete. But that wasn't it. I realised late but thank god I did- how it wasn't love but pure manipulation. It made me wonder how I am not the only one suffering such a plight. I decided to express my mind hoping that one of you might find peace in this reading.
I knew my heart belonged to you,
I never knew love until it was you,
the way you hugged me and kept me close
How you uttered those lovable words...
I knew not how things were turned
you said and I followed with an unknown burn
Life was feeling bright & somehow I ignored the dark side,
Something inside me did question me-
Is he really understanding me?
I mocked that question, making sure it was insane
I held my head high, singing his praises
all along the way.
I fought the battles forced my way
I took no turn but saved the day.
I made sure he felt fulfilled,
it isn't a tale but a quest of flowing pain.
I needed my mind to stop hurting
I needed him to only listen
It was too late, I guess...
I was blamed for his mess.
I was terrified of myself- thinking of the devil I became
No wonder, I hated myself all these years
While he sipped the tea of odd pleasure.
My torturous crying and acute screeching
was no help because he wasn't listening
I struggled alone fighting a demon inside me
Living life as a cadaver.
I slowly observed the bitterness in his sweet speech
How it never addressed me but who he wanted me to be
I was never enough, even after all the bloodshed.
I don't blame him for the pain caused to my mind and my heart
I don't blame myself, for it was this pain that made me meet me
I understood my needs, I understood my capability,
I know I am not a burden or someone's misery.
This bubble of fake love busted- better late than never
I now see myself in the mirror
I do hold scars, I do have unresolved trauma
But, I am not blaming him.
I am just walking on the path of self-discovery
Making sure to never let myself down.
In this world of hidden problems,
I will be my own solution.