Our elders often explain to us in detail about good and bad touch. We understand their words and teachings and then move on in life. This is what I did too. I never really thought there was a need to understand the meaning of a good or bad touch because why would someone even touch me?
But, I was wrong. So, so wrong. Fast forward a couple of years, and I encountered a few incidents that molded my life in a very different way. I would have never imagined it. I never did.
I have no idea where I gathered the strength to move forward from those incidents. But, at times they do haunt me. I can feel the hands rubbing on my body and remember how I felt at my worst, how deeply scared I was. It gets difficult to breathe thinking about those moments. I often choke. I know it is not going to be easy for me to survive or battle it all alone. So, after so many years, I finally decided to take a stand for myself and fix these wounds. Be it talking to a family member, a friend, or a therapist. I believe it is necessary to understand that talking about it isn't our weak point but our strength.
It will never be easy. It will never be easy to speak the first word without a bout of tears, or you may just be numb from all the pain caused to you. Many people believe that feeling nothing at all is the solution. I have tried everything and experimented with different ways to approach my memories, but it only led to an increase in my nightmares, confused boundaries, and the urge to constantly be cut off from everyone.
I understood this, what I will be sharing with you, after six years of suffering. My aim in writing this down is to be able to help someone navigate their emotions. Even if one person needs help, I hope to cater to it.
If you have experienced sexual abuse, assault, harassment, or any other difficult situation, I want you to know that it will get better. Things may not improve today or in a month, but I promise you, slowly and steadily, as you start walking the path of healing, it will get better.
I can't list down the things you should or shouldn't do because I'm still on my healing journey. I still hold onto those memories and often have breakdowns. But, I am walking the path of healing. Trust me, it's not easy, but it's worth it.
I've learned to journal my emotions and express my pain and misery. I might not be good at conveying it to others, but I am sure I will learn.
Secondly, don't fight your thoughts. If they come to your mind, let them be and make yourself understand that whatever happened was not your fault. You have to move on slowly.
Thirdly, when you are reminded of the situation or the thoughts become overwhelming, allow yourself to break down, take deep breaths. Remind your mind that it's okay. Whatever happened cannot be changed, but you have to learn to let go. It wasn't your fault, and it will never be your fault. If you feel like you did something that could've been avoided, please don't be hard on yourself. You didn't think it through, and it's okay. I used to blame myself for the series of encounters I had, but I know they were nothing but lessons. Those thoughts do not own me. I own my body and my mind. My past mistakes do not define me. Whatever happened cannot be undone; I can learn and move on.
Lastly, reach out to your support group. When everything seems like an end and you feel all alone, reach out! Please, reach out. You can't live your life constantly avoiding people. You have to trust someone someday. I'm not saying do it right away, but make yourself understand that humans need other humans. When you are all alone, it's okay to ask for help. I know your guard would be up 24/7. At times you can't even rely on your family. So, find a trusted professional, speak to a friend, or anyone you think will understand where you're coming from.
I have followed these things, and I am still learning. If you know some ways, I would be more than happy to try and incorporate different methods. You can share them in the comments. If you believe in talking to a stranger, I am here for you. You can reach out to me via my email or phone number provided on this website.
All I want you and me to know is, whatever you and I are feeling, it's okay, and it will get better with time. It will get better.